9/11 again...(this may be too depressing, read only if you are ready to)

Here comes September 11th again. It always makes me thankful for my family and especially for my husband. September 11, 2001 and we had only been married for a year and a half, had moved to LA, CA and back again to NJ. Matt was working in the city at the very bottom of the island. It was a scary day for all and I knew as it was happening that I was lucky, that Matt was going to be safe. That many were not. Our little town lost 14 people that day. And it was a very little town. I put myself into total denial to pull through and be strong for my hubby. One year later I found myself alone at home watching
the memorial and finally grieving, finally crying. I journaled for three hours while watching the ceremonies. Later, I added the pictures of our first trip back to the footprints with Matt's parents. It was a hard day on all of us. I want to share some of my journaling from that day...

"At home I felt like my world was coming to an end though- 17 messages on our answering machine. As each played I became more and more worried....towards the end there was a message from Matt. He said he was okay, but they were not able to go outside. He could not see out the windows-it was pitch black from after the towers collapsed. I tried calling. Phone lines were out all over. Calls could come in though. (hours later) People were walking up to the GWB. Walking was the only way out. Matt was South of the towers- he would have to go through it. (He actually walked up the island towards the GWB, everyone did) I never could connect to Matt's office. I was still scared...who knew if it was all over or not. He did call me eventually- from a pay phone. (This is why we will always have cell phones, even if we cannot afford it) Could I come get him in Fort Lee, NJ? He would soon be getting on a bus to go across the bridge. I was soo thrilled. I called up Jan Mathusek, from church, who was helping me out. She helped me figure out where I'd most likely see him and lent me her cell phone...the roads I needed were all closed. Heavenly Father was guiding me though- I just felt which way to go. I was about to circle again when I stopped at a red light and Matt and I saw each other. He ran across the street and jumped in the car. He was covered in dust? ashes? probably both. Everyone was. People were lined up on the corners taking any ride they could get. All buses were just shuttling back and forth across the bridge, no where else. (Jan and Fred later went back to give people rides.) We went straight to the Church to a meeting they were having to mourn, make sure everyone was okay, and to talk for therapy. Everyone was so glad to see Matt- in our ward he was closest- 5 blocks and the last unknown. So many prayers were uttered that day. I'm grateful that God answered mine. This was the last part of that ordeal and the first of the following battle of depression and dealing with surviving and living in that area...(on TV) Family members have been gathering dirt into empty juice bottles- something to take back, to bury, to scatter."
And later we went to the footprints..."While I was there I pictured the horrible smell, office papers still falling, and the office remnants strewn about the street-just as Matt had experienced. (He said that was the unforgettable impression...personal things that had been used just hours before he saw them) I cried while walking around. You could feel the spirits at Ground Zero- they felt close and that they were very much at peace."

The image that will forever stand out in my mind was seeing Matt completely covered...and I just felt like he was covered in people. Cleaning off his shoes later, scrubbing them clean again...I could only picture the people who were gone. Matt was not allowed back to work for a bit. They had to check on structural damage and quite honestly, there wasn't a way back in down there for a week or two. His commute was forever changed...his train line had gone directly under the towers. This year I am once again nervous, but breathe a sigh of relief that we got past it and are stronger because of it. Mostly, that Matt no longer has to work in the city. It is nice to know that he is in NJ and has access to a car all day while he is gone from home. Grateful that all my friends were safe too. Some had to dive under their desks and another into a closet to escape the shattering glass as the towers across the street collapsed then race for the ferries to get to Jersey before the ferries were shut down for emergency supplies and for delivering the body bags. My father in law was on a conference call to the NY office that was interrupted as their colleagues were told to evacuate...they did not all make it, they were too high up. Let us not forget how blessed we are. Let us pray for those who still mourn and all the children in the tri-state area who lost a parent. Let us pray for safety and the guidance of the Holy Ghost, for that is what kept so many loved ones safe.

I'm so sorry if I stirred up emotions you did not want to remember, but I wanted to share...for there are many of you who read this who were not here. This time of year, our home weeps and all those who live here change for a day or two or more...and this is why. My prayers are with you all.